i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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