you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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