fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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