real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
