last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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