I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
