I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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