yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
