i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
