Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
