dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
