She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
