dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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