Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
