He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
