My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
