I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
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first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
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Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.