Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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