At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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