if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
