I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
