I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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