There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
