I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
