his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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