I faked an abortion last night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
