I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
