yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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