I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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