I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
