just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
