I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
