I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
