I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
