I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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