some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
