Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
