my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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