Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I deserve this hangover.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
