I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
