She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
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I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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