Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
