I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
