so that wasnt chicken after all
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
