You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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