he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
