Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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