Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
