I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
