I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
