does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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