I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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